“Suffering becomes beautiful when anyone bears great calamities with cheerfulness, not through insensibility but through greatness of mind.”

– Aristotle

(…Still working on that one!)

Art Model, Mercy ©2011 Terrell Neasley

I had originally looked forward to chronicling my events and happenings as it relates to me recouping from my recent surgery. Now, not so much. Originally, this was going to be an adventure of discovery and re-invention. Now its turned into more of a bitch-session of my rants about how bitchy this process has become. I’ve got 5 and a half more weeks of this mess on crutches. Then another 6 weeks of rehab. I have ABSOLUTELY no clue how to do this. I’m inclined to head back to Texas and just let moms take care of me. But you know…MOM’s got a life. Dealing with the pain and limited mobility is only one aspect of what’s got me pissed off. However, the loss of independence has to be more than 50% of it all. Asking somebody for help is okay to some extent, but when it comes to just the menial tasks of doing for one’s self… Its just not in me to do that and living on your own in this sort of situation is a bitch. There ain’t no getting around it. It’s just pure-BITCH!!

Joanie, © 2010 Terrell Neasley

Granted, I am relieved when a friend comes by to visit. Sometimes I enjoy going out to dinner with good company or something that is a distraction from the everyday crap. But that’s about 6% of my time. The rest of the 94% of my day is spent just trying to not go crazy, keep busy with productive things, don’t fall, and don’t accidentally (or willfully) do something stupid! I was actually doing so well yesterday. I took note of the fact that the swelling was going down. The pain had considerably lessened. I was still limited on range of motion as well as mobility, but everything was looking up! That is until I started to go to bed. In an oblivious and euphoric lack of concentration, I jubilantly jumped into bed. If a full bound, I lifted off with one leg and sprang with the other. Can you feel my pain, yet? I actually never left the ground. And the leg that I “attempted” to sprang with was the wrong one, or should I say the one I JUST had surgery on. All I could basically do was crumble against the side of the bed. There was no elevation. I didn’t get an inch off the floor. The moment the muscles around my knee tried to accommodate the pressure of my body weight… well, I call it white pain. That’s the only way I can describe the blinding, searing, hot sensation that squeezed tears out of my eyes like Summer’s juicing machine. My prayers of relief were not immediately answered. I prayed I’d just pass out. I wanted to just friggin’ pass out. I’ve never wanted to die. But right then, I just wanted to pass the F*** out. It didn’t happen. I lived through every eternal minute of that…damning my stupidity the entire time.

Wow. Did that paint a picture? Its starting to hurt again just from the thought of it. Have you ever had pain so bad, you actually lose weight from it? I kid you not…I KNOW I burned about 3 pounds on the writhing on the floor last night. There should be pre-op therapy sessions designed to prepare you for this. You shouldn’t even be allowed to have this kind of surgery unless you have a stay at home wife or can afford a live-in nanny. I have no idea how many other people endure this sort of ailment or what they do to cope. I know many have endured far worse. Yes, there are others who don’t even have a knee to even have surgery on. But you know what… NONE of that has anything to do with what’s going on with me right now. Showing me a guy who’s an amputee does not help me manage pain or my affairs. Dang, I forgot to even pay my bills til my cable got turned off! This is how disorienting all this is. My phone, car insurance, and some utilities were on the verge of getting suspended.

Okay. Like I said. I’m trying to stay positive and look forward to getting a knee that’s in much better shape than it was before all this. I just don’t know what to tell myself when something as uneventful as last night takes place. I mean, Damn! I just about wish I was still in good standing with an ex-girlfriend, but she’s no longer in town anyway. I know that wouldn’t be overall good for me, but at the moment, if you merely suggested that crack would advance me through the next several months in relative ease, I’d be spending a lot of time trying to talk myself out of it and can’t say with a high degree of certainty that I’d be successful. All I know is this. This sucks. I gotta deal with it. I gotta get better. But I’m also gonna be bitchy. Where’s my next nude model??!!